Is it possible to miss getting married to ones Bashert and to get married to someone not Bashert? [closed]

Is it possible to end up marrying someone who is not your real intended? And is it possible miss marrying your intended and be stuck?

A lot of this has already been covered in other answers here.

There are three statements the Gemara brings:

1. 40 days before the fetus is formed a voice from heaven announced who the fetus will marry (Sotah 2a)

2. Matching up people is as hard for G-d (so to speak) as splitting the sea (Sotah 2a). Midrash (Bereishis Rabbah 68:1) elaborates that since the creation of the world, G-d keeps busy by making matches.

3. A man can betroth a woman on Chol Hamo'ed, since it is possible someone may "steal" him predestined wife through prayer (Moed Kattan 18b). [A story is told there of someone who prayed to marry a certain woman, and later regretted it, and prayed for death - different commentaries give different interpretations of the story, if he got her or not, and who exactly he was praying should die, and why.

The Talmud (Sotah 2a) reconciles the first two statements by saying that the first marriage is predetermined, and the second (and implicitly any subsequent match) is based on the persons deed (i.e. whether he is a wicked or righteous man he will get a wife he deserves).

The different interpretations of the story mentioned in number 3 have practical ramifications. Different commentaries have different opinions how successful a marriage will be if someone "stole" someone else's predestined bride through prayer, and interpret the story differently based on that.

There are Kabalistic, non-literal interpretations of what "First Marriage" and "Second Marriage" mean. by explaining the "first marriage" non-literally, they say that even the first time one gets married his spouse is determined according to his actions.

The Lubavitcher Rebbe was once asked how much of a person's choice in his spouse is free will, and how much is predetermined. In his response, the Rebbe lists 7 different opinions in Torah, ranging from fatalistic to Kabalistic, and then explains what Chabad Chassidic thought is on the matter.

The letter is here, and an essay based on the letter is here.

Here is a bullet point summary of the different opinions, read the above links for more details and sources.

1. Sefer Chassidim - "stealing" someone spouse through prayer will only work for a short while. The marriage may not even be consummated.

2. Chida (1st interpretation) and Ran - "stealing" someone spouse through prayer will work for a while, but eventually the spouse will marry the one she was supposed to.

3. Rashi on Rif Moed Katan. - A heavenly voice decrees, but prayer can nullify the decree permanently , much like Leah's prayer permanently changed the boy she was going to have to girl (Dinah).

4. Tashbetz - Man can choose if he wants to get married or not, but once he decides to get married, he will marry the predetermined girl. Prayer will help like #2 above.

5. Rambam - the heavenly voice doesn't say this is who you will marry. Rather it says you will naturally be compatible with this person, but you could marry anyone you want. (This would theoretically apply to your second marriage, but by then your deeds determine who you will marry)

6. Akeidah - G-d predetermines which (what kind of) body your soul will go in (This is called the "First Marriage"). Actual marriage, even the first marriage, is called the "Second Marriage" and is dependent on your deeds.

7. Arizal - "First Marriage" is the first time the soul comes down into this world. Then his perfect match comes down with him and they will get married without difficulties. Once a soul is reincarnated, whether his predetermined spouse is reincarnated with him is dependent on his actions. If she is not he can marry someone else. (There are more details to this opinion)

Source: Menachem

Of course its possible. If a Kohen goes and marries a Grusha, are you telling me she was his bashert?

From my Mashgiach. It is only possible if someone is Poishea! That is if he tries to get married then he will get his intended but if he is stupid then he can cause himself to miss his Bashert. There is a famous story of an old fussy bachur who came to the steipler complaining that he cant find his Bashert. The Steipler told him that he had already met her and he had refused her!!!